Captain Crunch

According to Troy, the only flavor that is appropriate to accompany crunching is sweetness. Savory is right out. He remains uncommitted on the issue of salty.

Example: "See? Yong brought Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That is sugar. That makes sense. He did not bring 'Shrimp Potato Toad Crunch."

Make Troy Try This Potluck

Troy has not tried a myriad of rather mundane food items. It is time he did. He has tried sushi - by far the scariest of average foods - so it makes little sense that he has NOT tried, for example, guacamole. This will be a list comprised of foods that ordinary folk have experienced by at least adolescence. But yet Troy has somehow managed to avoid. Once the list gets long enough, we should have a Troy-centric potluck. It'll be fun!

1. Artichokes - dips or otherwise.
2. Avocados - in any form

Help Yourself!

Once a bag of cookies, formerly stapled, has been completely opened and a hand inserted, beyond the initial staple zone, it becomes food for the masses. "Help yourself to the cookies!"

NO ENTRY!

When offered a cookie, don't open the bag beyond the staple zone and insert your hand. This, of course, assumes that you are offered a cookie, from a bag, that has been stapled for disease prevention.

Disease prevention

When sharing cookies, staple the bag so that one may not reach his entire hand into the bag, thus forcing a pour and preventing the spread of disease.

The Chip That Goes Crunch

Rule
To eat Doritos in the office:

1. Only use two fingers to pull out the next ONE--no need to reach in your whole hand unless it's absolutely necessary--this will draw undue attention right away.

2. Don't scrape your teeth on the way in--that means you're eating too fast.

3. Make sure your mouth is closed completely.

4. Look around.

5. Pause.

6. The first couple bites should be slow and methodical.

7. Slowly accelerate chewing.

8. Repeat.

Example
Troy - "You're eating those chips too loud."

Miss You Much

Rule:
If you go on vacation, Troy will miss you and sit at your desk.

Example:
Troy is sitting at Adam's desk and has been for the past 2 days.

Connect Four

Rule:
Do not invite more than four people to lunch.

Example:
Troy - "If we can't all fit into a booth, forget it."

Let's Toast

Rule:
You can not eat a bagel if it is not toasted.

Example:
Troy - "How can you eat that bagel without toasting it? An untoasted bagel is like chewing gum."

Two Sweet

Rule:
If you are commenting on your friend's infant, you can only use the word sweet TWICE.

Example:
Tim - "Sadie is a sweet baby. Really sweet. She is a sweetheart."
Troy - "You've used up your sweet quota for the day."

Wife + Lunch

Rule:
If your wife comes to meet you for lunch at work, don't invite your co-workers.

Examples:
me - "My wife is meeting me for lunch today. Do you want to come along?"
Troy - "Why would I want to look like a loser without my wife there?"

Caught Red Handed

Rule:
Never stick your hand into a bag of food.

Examples:
Troy - "Great, now I can't eat the rest of these potato chips!"

What Makes a Salad a Salad?

Rule:
If it doesn't have lettuce, don't call it a salad.

Examples:
Potato salad, macaroni salad, etc

Bring Me Back Some Lunch

Rule:
Don't offer to bring someone back something from lunch

Example:
me - "We're going to Willy's for lunch. Do you want us to bring you back something?"
Troy - "That's like saying I'm going to go get a car wash, do you want me to get your car washed too?"

Facebook Status

Rule:
Don't comment on someone's facebook status.

Example:
me - "Troy, I saw on Facebook that you went to the lake this weekend."
Troy - "Don't comment on something I put up on Facebook."